tylerknott:

What if all
the freckles
and beauty marks
that live on your body
were actually
stars
and the scars
were the muddy
and milky
imprints of galaxies
that our eyes
just can’t quite
focus on?
What if the
universe
was your skin
and your flesh
and the tiny
bits of color
spilled out
over the curves
of your body?

-Tyler Knott Gregson-

I guess I may give this another shot. Four months after I wrote such a depressing opening blog thing, whatever the hell you would call it, I’m better, I suppose. I moved back to Arizona exactly one month after that post, and it’s actually hard for me to believe that I was in such a mess. All I really remember is having a constant aching in my head. Almost feeling like things were going to erupt at any moment, and they did a few times. I wasn’t me, and I’m sure I’m still not. I find it terrible that I spent so much of my time not knowing where I was, theoretically, that I can’t even recall much that has happened to me the past 2 years. I feel like I need somebody to talk to about what goes on in my head, but whenever I find someone willing to give two shits, I can’t sort through my thoughts well enough to take advantage of their kindness. I realize that makes me sound like I need a therapist, but I just need a friend. Summer has gotten kind of lonely. 

I don’t see who would ever want to read all of this, about my life or anything that I post at all, but so many people have told me to make a tumblr and if anything, it will help my thoughts. hopefully.

I’m going to try to make this as little cliche as possible, but I’m going to make a list of things I miss. Just for shits&gigs.

Hanna White, Taylor Collier, Sierra Corbett, and Bianca Buliga
Creative thoughts
Warm, loving rain
Knowing someone as well as myself
My dog
Oregon as well as Glendale
Easy living- to sum up a lot
Sierra Verde Park
Swing Dancing
Being so happy I couldn’t not smile
Innocence
The best of my first love
Sleeping well
My windowsill seat
My family as a whole
Creative writing 
Time to think
Childhood
That feeling when the air is the same temperature as your body
Being nice to everybody
Having a sense of hope, faith, dreams, and mystery.

Obviously, this is way too cliche to even read without barfing so my apologizes.
(: 

 

It’s rather rude of me to start my blog with such a heavy topic, but for those of you who have been close to me, I’m sure you understand. I think constantly about how much better my life would be if I would not have been relocated to Oregon. I’m grateful for my experiences, lessons, and new outlook on life, but my brain has become unbearable.

I’m not sure I have the ability to explain this to any person, however, I need to try. With everyday, I seem to be sinking deeper into a routine. One which I can not remember the last hours of my life nor can I remember the past progress I have made. It makes it challenging to move forward when I’m in such a haze. Not only have I become terribly unhappy, but I haven’t been able to focus my attention on anything, including school. It seems to be a constant bicker with my father, who doesn’t understand that the move has caused all of my back steps.

I am, without a doubt, lost in this reality and incapable of pulling myself out. As much as I wish I could, I’m too run down and jaded to even consider making an escape.